So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
