I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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