There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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