I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
