I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Someone came in the potted fern
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
