ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize