He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
