Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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