No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize