I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
