I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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