she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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