She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
