bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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