Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
