I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
