Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need to calm my uterus...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
