My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize