the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
