Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
