..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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