Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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