im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
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