last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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