good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
