Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
