I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
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