So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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