I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
