Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
