Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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