got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
