Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
