There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
