Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
