I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
