She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
