He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So much rum. So many feels.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
