just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
