Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
