Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
