If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
