Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You're so nebulous sometimes
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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