He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
