Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
