i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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