my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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