We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
