Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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