I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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