I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
