Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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