I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
