Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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