I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize