I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
