mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
