just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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