I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
