I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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